ugh
Its 3:10am. I’m avoiding going to sleep. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and know it’s my last day at home, and that I have to go back. To conn. I’ve gotten quite comfortable and settled at home, fallen into this routine of staying up late on my computer and hanging out with scott alot during the day, and just doing nothing of great significance, and i’m not ready for that to end. Not yet. But then again, maybe not ever.
I’m talking to dan, and we’re getting at some of the things i need to talk about. I really need to talk to someone, and now, at 3:20 in the morning, its not looking too possible, so he’ll do for now. We’re not too close, and i can’t be too candid with him, but at least i can scratch the surface. I feel so overwhelmed by events, thoughts, and feelings. I mean all those three things specifically and individually– events that i’ve gone through in the last couple of days, thoughts that i can’t for the life of me get rid of, and some i just cant figure out or understand, and feelings that are tormenting me in desperately sad and difficult ways.
Sometimes i think i just think too much, create too much out of nothing. Maybe i’m a drama queen of the most painful sort, one that causes her own suffering from the material of her mind and heart. I don’t take things lightly any more; everything is such a big fucking deal. god.
how pleasant.
flickering flame
I’m sitting in my room waiting for alex to get up so we can go have brunch, and then I can get started on my indian history paper. I’m dreading it. Its due on tuesday, and i’ve basically avoided it until today, knowing today was the day to write it. It makes me really stressed and concerned and unsure and i dont LIKE it.
The weather here was horrible and disgusting yesterday. It wasn’t really snowy, mostly icy/rainy, so everywhere you went there was about 2 inches of moisture penetrating your pathetic wannabe snow shoes and the bottoms of already wettened jeans. When it finally stopped, the sun decided to go down and the whole campus froze over. It was like a death zone. Not good.
I hit a low point last night. After showering after gym/dinner, I sat at my desk in my towel, and was eating chocolate, and looked around and thought to myself “this is my life?”. I mean, granted I’ve been feeling much better about day-to-day existence, especially knowing that, no, it isnt my life forever. But with finals and everything, my life has been reduced to sixteen hour days of work, where the things i look forward to are meals and going to the gym. As if those are rewarding experiences that can refuel me for more hours of paper writing, exam studying, and book reading. Winter break, after i finish my last two assignments at home and send them to my professors, is going to be INDESCRIBABLY relieving.
So, i worked for a few more hours after that, and then hung out in Ryan’s room from 10-12:30 with Alex. It was really fun actually, in the midst of not having anything fun to do, and having so much work, we engrossed ourselves in really interesting conversations about travelling, racism, geographic tendencies. It was aided by jasmine tea, and I felt really intellectually satisified. Not that i’m lacking in intellectual stimulation, but for it to come freely and creatively was really much better.
So that helped. I don’t know..i’m just burned out, and still have so much to do.
At least the sun is shining today, and it’s a bit warmer today. On the bright side…i guess.
During economics today, I finally let my thoughts run wild and stopped thinking about all the work/things i have to do/stress/pressure on me right now. I started thinking about a few things…mainly how much i miss travelling, and how I want to go visit my grandmother in Australia.
I really miss the hustle and bustle of airports, and getting from one place to another, and exploring cities, and finding things to do and taking photos and the experiences and memories that come along with taking trips. It was also so frequent that my mom and I (or just me, or my brother too) would be going somewhere, coming from somewhere, or just away from home…and I really loved it. I miss Asia, and all the smells and sounds that came along with it. I want that again.
I was also thinking about how my grandmother and I used to be so close. I was always her favorite (she used to tell me all the time in secret) and she used to love to spoil me, and take me places and do things with me. That was when I was little. It was like that both before and after my dad died, and I always loved having that special bond with her. Having made my visits to Australia more infrequent, and having grown out of childhood, and having neglected to really spend time with her while I was there, a sad distance has come between us. We’re certainly not as close, and I think she feels like she doesnt know me. In the past years her health has declined, and it has come to my attention that i REALLY don’t want that sort of relationship with her…I want her to be my grandma sheila again. I don’t know when I’m going back to Australia, but i’m motivated to make it soon. Sooner than later.
In other news…today I have a music appointment, I have to write my econ paper, and i’m getting a sociology paper back. Tomorrow my music project is due, I’m meeting with my econ professor, and I have to have to have to start my Indian History paper. AH. back to stress-central….
I went to Borders, Panera, and Best Buy with Alex today. We worked in Borders and read about colleges, i had a mushroom and mozarella panini at panera, and i got a new cd player and ink cartridges at Best Buy. She’s on her way home now, and i’m in my room…possibly getting ready to start this indian history paper. oh, boy.
brinkmanship
For some reason, when i think about how much i have to do and all the things going on these final weeks of first semester, i keep mentally labeling it as “brinkmanship”. I think Warren Richard is haunting my inner psyche.
Anyway, without much emotional drama plaguing me at the moment, both due to a new sense of settlement and sheer incapacity to focus on myself, it hasnt really been a journal-writing kind of week. Its already thursday and I’ve yet to make any satisfying progress on any of the final-related projects, papers,and exams i have coming up. I’m also trying to find a job for winter break and thats going well, although taking some time.
I finally slept well last night, and my back isnt hurting as much anymore. I’m eating better, although not as well as i’d like. I’m going to go for a hike in the arboretum now.
In retrospect, this semester has been quite the learning experience. I’m glad it forced me to get a really really good perspective about who i am and what i want, and even better, who i’m not, and what i don’t want. These are important things in life, and although i’m nowhere near having “the answers” to these questions, its good to know i’m not letting myself drown in the status quo and lose sight of what makes me “me”.
It was by far the most difficult and sad time in my life, especially because it occured in such a concentrated time. I hated it for that, and for every time I thought to myself “why me?” i still have no answer. I’m still bruised and shaken from it, but as they say…this is what makes our skin tougher. And i’m determined to be tough.
but
…and yet i’m kind of glad to be back.
It was great to be home and blah blah blah, but coming back was pretty easy. Nice, even. It got too uncomfortable and sad to be there without scott, and there was drama and it was depressing in some regards, and being here feels more normal somehow.
I dont like that. I dont want it to be nice to come back to connecticut college. But i don’t want to miss home either. What i want is to feel okay about feeling happy with my life again. But i can’t quite let myself feel okay, and i’m not sure why. Maybe because it feels weird to feel okay, or even happy, about something i know is temporary. Like i’m settling into something that is soon to be unsettled again.
Yes, i still want it to be temporary, but is it okay to like it while i know it isn’t forever, let alone the next four years, let alone after next may?
2005
Home.
I’ve been here for 5 days, and feel mostly like my old life has returned. I know it’s hasn’t, but its certainly nice to know its still intact. Its still comfortable, happy, familiar, and warm. So i love that. Something is different though: I have come to recognize the things i don’t miss. I had an incredibly taintless image of this place, these people, these memories. I thought i wouldve given anything to relive the last few months of high school. Although for the most part that is true, i’ve noticed there are some things that are nice to have left behind. Spending excessive amounts of money, the school part of high school (bells, long days, early mornings etc), fighting over petty things with my parents, having a curfew. These things are things i overlooked when trying to find some advantages of having left home. I guess this is a good thing, really.
Scott left early this morning. Today is our one year anniversary. I have to say that it is far harder to be home without him. It isnt the same…i can’t see him, call him, hang out with him, and that was such a big part of last year for me. Hannah came and went so briefly. Leah was at school until today. Its not the same when everyone isnt doing basically the same thing, leading basically the same lives. Still, there’s no place like home.
Seeing everoyne again was INCREDIBLE. I love my friends so much, i love how we laugh and have fun and joke and love eachother so fucking much. I realized that as much fun and as happy as everyone has been at college, and as different as our lives have become, we still wouldnt trade home and eachother for anything in the world. Instead of discussing the things we all had in common, we shared stories of the things that have made the last few months unique for each of us. It materialized the lives everyone was leading, and made me feel much less cut off and distant. That too, was really good.
I don’t want to go back to Conn. I’m sick of it. I’m largely over the emotional crisis thing. Its not that i’m dreading being lonely and depressed and anything anymore, its just that i’m so unaffected by my life there. I just dont like it very much. Its not me at all. I cannot wait till this year is over, but until then…i’ll try and make it an adventure i guess. An adventure with speed limits and caution tape. sigh.
small bubbles
paper jumbles
mismatched corners
colors and lines and ink and wires
confusion and evidence of weary,
late and dejected nighttime
thoughts and effort.
In stale radiator heat and crumpled sheets
and fake light and brown floors
i yearn for sand and spray
which i can see, just over those wintered trees
and cold cold streets and houses
not avenues, not homes
standing in the way
keeping me
from the sea.
just spontaneous poetic musings. This week has been crazy. I can’t wait for it to end. As i write in here i’m not an emotional bottle waiting to spill over in champagned celebration, or dreary warm beer. Im just neutral…floating…and thats okay.
early!
I woke up this morning at 4:30. what was i thinking? I was tense, nervous, and for some reason, unhappy being asleep. So i got up, worked on my paper, read for econ, had a shower, sat around, read some more, had breakfast, went to class, went to greer to do music, read for indian history, went to class, had lunch and here i am! I’v been awake for almost 10 hours already…how strange.
I can’t decide if i want to take a nap or not. I think no. reading instead? avoiding my sociology paper? AH…stress. Scott comes in four and a half days. hooray.
