ugh
Its 3:10am. I’m avoiding going to sleep. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and know it’s my last day at home, and that I have to go back. To conn. I’ve gotten quite comfortable and settled at home, fallen into this routine of staying up late on my computer and hanging out with scott alot during the day, and just doing nothing of great significance, and i’m not ready for that to end. Not yet. But then again, maybe not ever.
I’m talking to dan, and we’re getting at some of the things i need to talk about. I really need to talk to someone, and now, at 3:20 in the morning, its not looking too possible, so he’ll do for now. We’re not too close, and i can’t be too candid with him, but at least i can scratch the surface. I feel so overwhelmed by events, thoughts, and feelings. I mean all those three things specifically and individually– events that i’ve gone through in the last couple of days, thoughts that i can’t for the life of me get rid of, and some i just cant figure out or understand, and feelings that are tormenting me in desperately sad and difficult ways.
Sometimes i think i just think too much, create too much out of nothing. Maybe i’m a drama queen of the most painful sort, one that causes her own suffering from the material of her mind and heart. I don’t take things lightly any more; everything is such a big fucking deal. god.
how pleasant.
xanga back and forth
I’m writing more in my xanga these days. I guess I have less stuff to say thats too personal, and more stuff that i dont mind the world reading about on that journal. This one is for the real stuff.
In the last few days before break is over, i keep going back and forth between feeling really ready to leave, and not wanting to go at all. I don’t like that feeling, especially because it has all sorts of implications and consequences for how i’m relating to people, what i’m doing etc. I’ve had the strange desire this morning to just be free of all relationships and obligations with everyone, and just spend some time on my own. Maybe thats why i’ve been staying up so late– its my time to really be by myself, and i know i won’t have that again for a long while.
oh well. time for being social again.
tonight hurt
It was a painful night. I went to Maris’s after seeing my mom in so much pain over the fight i caused between her and my stepdad. At Maris’s we had a lot of fun, but then saying goodbye was pretty hard. She’s leaving for Africa on friday, and it wasn’t hard because I worry about our friendship, but just because saying goodbye is never easy, and i will really miss her. Then I got home, and in an achingly sad sleepy voice, my mom told me that our old family friend died. She had found out on the phone a few hours earlier and was already asleep when she found out, and then was in this depressingly confused state of mind when she told me. Like she didnt understand. Like a child. Like an innocent child seeing a harsh reality for the first time.
I feel really sad. I don’t mean to burden the world, but it somehow helps to share.
additionally
I got my grades yesterday, too. I was pretty suprised, since i really had no idea what they were going to be, and had a bad feeling it would turn out that i ended up with an A an three B+’s…But no! Two A’s, an A-, and a B+.
Good enough for me.
something
I Saw Brokeback Mountain last night. It was one of those movies you wish you were alone afterwards for, so it could really sit with you. It was such a beautifully done love story.
I woke up this morning really resisting the idea that i have to go back to conn in 12 days. I really am not looking forward to it, despite my complaining about being in chevy chase. I don’t really want to be here for that much longer, but its not bad enough that it makes me want to go back to conn. Eh, we’ll see what happens.
Today i’m not sure what i’m going to do. Maybe go pick paint samples with scott. Maybe read/excericize. I guess we’ll see…
these boots were made for walking…
today was a good day. i went for a hike with hannah, went to adams morgan with maris, and babysat. I walked alot, and bought some woolen glove/mittens from this store that was full of all sorts of crap that reminded me of my childhood; pillowcases that mimicked the ones in my house in vietnam, jewelery i could remember in bazaars of kathmandu, smells that brought back the sensations of a sunday morning in hanoi, woolen items that i could just see being pedaled by an old georgian woman in tblisi. Oh my, what a bundle of memories that store had for me. Bittersweet, i guess.
Babysitting tonight was fun, it was so easy, and i kind of enjoyed telling the gerson’s about college. And plus, it feels good to have worked and made some money.
I’ve started a book thats tracking miscellaneous thoughts I have. Literally, its just a list of thoughts, observations, and ideas I have. Its like a diary or journal, but with no coherency or flow. Just awkward statements.
I need to buy a calendar…and go finish my book. and sleep?
exercize really does make all the difference
Today is looking up. I woke up at 12:30, feeling depressed and lethargic, and annoyed at myself for being in such ridiculous sleep patterns. I went for a walk because I couldnt take sitting around anymore, and i feel better now. I needed to clear my head, and on my walk, a few fun things happened.
One, I saw my mom’s friend carolyn in the woods, who i really like, and it was good to see her. Two, this guy stopped me and was talking to me about the DC area and what good places there were to hike (he had just moved here) and he was cute, maybe 25, and it was fun. Also, I saw some woodpeckers pecking away at the trees. That was cool.
I feel better now– more energized to make an effort. Do something useful. Not be a bum. I’m off to clean my room as a start…
new year
It has been the last day of 2005 for about two hours. This year, more than any year for at least five years, I feel like the end of one and beginning of another is incredibly monumental. I’ve sort of coasted through the last five years of my life. Granted they weren’t without difficulty or change, but nothing felt paramount or life-changing. This year has been altogether the opposite.
Without recapping the year, its ups and downs, i prefer to look forward. 2006 feels like three hundred and sixty five days of opportunity, change, challenge, and hopefully happiness and joy. I dont have too many expectations or hopes, merely because i’ve learned that life isn’t always up up up, smile smile smile, and times of difficulty are inevitable. It is important to be prepared, to be aware, and to take them on with as much optimism and bravery as possible, and simply ride them out. I await these times with apprehension, but courage too. If life is beautiful, that is purely because the combination of good and bad, hard and easy makes for a human spirit that, at the end of the day, has truly been weathered and worn.
I have no expectations or predictions, only curiosity, energy, and i wait with baited breath.
…it’s now four days after the new year. I feel idle. who knows…
light?
So, i just got back from new york. As emotionally turbulent as it was (my parents and I couldnt get along, and i’m really starting to intensely dislike parts of their personality) two really great things happened:
1. I got time to sit in the backseat, look out the window, listen to music, drown out the voices and sounds of the cars and streets, and delve into all the concerns and thoughts that have been nagging at me for months, and i’ve simply dismissed with “i don’t really have time for this”. Not that i resolved anything, or achieved any great epiphanies, but it was NICE.
2. I visited Barnard. Loved it. Thinking thats going to be a great place for me to spend the next three years, or maybe two, if i graduate early since i can with my IB diploma. Thats really great. now i just have to get in.
With regard to my parents….
As much as I try to tell myself “they are your parents, they are supposed to drive you crazy”, i can’t help but think there’s something more upsetting about what i’ve observed than just petty annoyances and irritations. My mom is so provocative with mark and is constantly picking fights, and also has an obsession with something that she knows is bad, has inherited from her mother, and is imposing with all her might, on me. Its so upsetting and horrible and I hate it. She knows it, but can’t help herself.
Mark is more stubborn than i can believe. He has this really strange need to be right about everything he believes, and therefore has no desire whatsoever to acknowledge that another alternative explanation, solution, or situation might be better. Once you get him going, there’s no stopping him either. He assumes his court-room character, has no regard for others feelings, and is intent on “winning” the argument by any means necessary. Its really awful.
The two of them together breed this really negative energy where they are constantly provoking fights with eachother by throwing insults around. It has gotten to the point where only the new, unordinary insults are the ones that cause fights, and the other ones are just really disparaging and mean. At the same time, they make eachother laugh like crazy, and can instantly bring comic relief to a fight and let it go faster than i’d ever be able to. Its distressing but also interesting, and i think in this regard its true that they’re my parents and they can do what they wish. I don’t like the way they treat eachother and interact, but in the end thats their perogative.
And finally, a thought. How private is this journal? I could go into so much more detail about things, and analyze them in a way that is much more personal, but i’m aware that others do read it. Nonetheless, those “others” are people whom i trust completely, and would happily tell any and all of the above things had they sought them out. So…where does this stop being my journal and start being a public discourse on my preoccupations and thoughts…and how does that define what i should and should not be discussing? I guess thats why i have my own hand-written old fashioned journal too…
conflicted
I’ve finally turned my attention (back) to transferring/college/next year. I’ve reached a point of extreme indecision. The last time my mind was so focused on this was when i was so desperate to get away from conn that I didnt care what next year was, as long as it was a change.
Now, during this break where i’ve gotten the chance to really mellow out and think about everything with a level head for the first time, i realize there are alot of obstacles facing me, and decisions that need to be made. Im not sure what I want next year, or the next few years. I know that being in college means alot to me, because i really prize and enjoy my education, but beyond that, im not sure what to do with my life. Do i want to live independantly like i’ve thought? Yes. Does that mean I have to do it now though? I think so, but maybe not. Does that mean it has to be in a big city? I think so, but maybe not. Do I have to do it on the east coast? I really dont know about that one. Do I want to leave the east coast? Not for any particular reason, but i’d love to be somewhere else. And, maybe most important than anything else, Am i scared that everything is just going to be bad again next fall, and I will regret my decision, again? Yep. So, in analyzing the decision, i want to pro and con each school:
Brown- Pros: location, academics, size….providence is pretty cool, and i could live off campus junior year. academics are, needless to say, superb and very flexible. size is good because it feels big enough not to be homogenous but small enough not to be an ocean of people. Cons: still alot of upper-middle class priveledged white kids, feels a bit overwhelming
Barnard- Pros: location, size, students?, academics….new york is my first love. Not to say that I can’t see the argument in waiting at living there later in life, but I can also understand the “why wait” argument. Size is great and the student body, being all female, is very empowering and cool. See cons for question mark reference. Academics are great, including a human rights major. . Cons: So, the indecision about new york. and the students, although motivated and all female, are also reputed to be alot of rich trendy girls from westchester. The academic curriculum is a little rigid too.
Whitman- Pros: students, location?,academics?, size?…students seem to LOVE whitman. Washington state is beauitful, west coast is great. Academically seems sufficiently challenging. Size is fine, similar to Conn. Cons: west coast. oh boy. Its far…from home, parents, scott, and Walla Walla is just plain far from anything and everything. I’ll feel like i’m in total isolation, which is a big complaint i have at conn. I was thinking though, was the isolation frustrating because i felt like i couldnt be independant because in that case, at whitman, i could still live off campus and stuff. if its because i felt stuck with the kids at conn, then that problem is solved, too. but if its because i really want to live in an urban city, then whitman just would not work out for me. Okay, and thats sort of the same thing for academics and size. They seem pretty comprable to those at Conn, although the students seem more motivated at Whitman and less into drinking!
NYU- Pros: New york (see barnard), academics, independence!!!…this school would offer the most in independance and a dynamic life. I’d live off campus probably (in new york? alone? in manhattan’s highest rent district? great.) and i woudl never feel like i was living among a bunch of kids from outside boston with lots of money and time to kill. Academics would be fine. Cons: No sense of support or community, no money, SO big…
Swarthmore, Bryn Mawr, and Haverford: Pros: students, academics…the students and academics would be great here. Cons: all three schools are relatively small and isolated, and theres not a huge sense of independence. thats basically all there is to these schools. good and bad. clear cut. ugh.
Stanford, Lewis & Clark: Pros: San Fransisco & Portland? Great locations in one sense. Great and fine academics. Cooler students. More independance at stanford…much more. Cons: west coast (see whitman), and lewis and clark might be similar to conn in a way that swarthmore or maybe brown could be.
McGill- i’ve yet to really give this alot of thought. at first glance, its big and far, but not that far, and who cares if it is big, and its in montreal which is awesome.
phew! so…college is complicated, life is complicated, indecision is PLAGUING ME, and im exhausted. hope this writing helps me to figure things out though…
